I used to swing at everything: arguments, opportunities, ghosts. It burned energy and broke focus. Aiming changed outcomes. Aim at patterns, not people. Aim at levers, not noise. That’s when life started cooperating.
The bully story on the homepage didn’t happen in a vacuum. Training started at home with my sisters, my first sparring partners in conflict. I arrived in a reset family: sisters 18 and 8, parents in their 40s, and a brother gone before me. Thus the reference to swinging at ghosts. Different eras. Different rules. I could get away with things that once got them punished. They were furious and tried to deliver the punishments themselves. Until I learned to aim.
Sister One
My dad would give her money to take me and a friend somewhere. She bought my friend’s food but not mine, then lectured me about how easy I had it. That happened once. I kept quiet, ate at home, and when my dad offered the next outing I said, calmly, no. My friend was with me during that conversation and could confirm it. Last time she fed my friend, not me, then told me how easy I have it. That ended that game.
What she tried
- Resource control: withhold what I needed while holding the purse strings.
- Triangulation: feed the friend to isolate me and make the slight “look reasonable.”
- Guilt script: “you have it easy” to justify the setup.
- Bait for escalation: push me to complain so I looked ungrateful.
What I aimed at
- Neutral fact with a witness. No story, just “she fed him, not me.”
- Calm opt-out. Declined the next trip and removed her leverage.
- No drama loop. I did not re-argue the past; I changed the terms.
How to handle this pattern
- Name the behavior in one sentence the other person cannot dispute.
- Keep receipts or a witness when possible.
- Opt out of bad terms instead of fighting inside them.
- If you must continue, set your price and conditions in advance.
Sister Two
Sometimes simply flipping their game on them works magic. She played “I’ll tell on you.” She told. Nothing happened. Stakes rose until one day I said, go ahead. If you tell on me, I get to tell on you. Then I listed three of her secrets. Her face changed. Leverage flipped. She begged me not to say a word. That was my first chance to turn strategy into money. Five dollars and I won’t. In 1970, that was real money. I got paid. The threats stopped.
What she tried
- Threat leverage: control through the promise of exposure.
- Variable pressure: keep telling until I cracked.
- Asymmetric rules: she could report me; I was expected to stay quiet.
What I aimed at
- Symmetry. If exposure is the rule, it applies both ways.
- Specifics. I named three items to make the cost real.
- An exit. Clear terms to stop the game right now.
How to handle this pattern
- Refuse asymmetric rules. Make the standard explicit and symmetric.
- Bring specifics. Vague pushback invites more threats.
- Offer a clean exit: new boundary, new terms, or mutual amnesty.
- If safety or serious harm is involved, escalate to an adult or authority, not a side deal.
That’s the shift. Stop swinging. Start aiming. Pick your moment, tell the truth, price the leverage, and walk away clean.